The healing power of radical acceptance
At some point in our lives, we will all face moments where we have to endure pain. The pain can come in many forms, such as depression, anxiety, guilt, and shame—the list goes on. In all of these experiences and emotions, there is beauty. Although it may not look or seem like that, at face value, it's the truth. With the pain that comes as a result of life, one of the most powerful skills we can develop is radical acceptance. This skill involves recognizing and acknowledging your reality for what it is, even when it's super painful. What makes it so hard to practice? It actually requires you to get beyond your ego, environment, and thoughts on a situation. It forces you to actually feel your feelings. You may face current grief, things you’ve lost, or potential futures and pasts that you wish you did or didn’t have. However, what radical acceptance does is force you to not only live in the present but find ways to grapple with your current reality.
Many people view radical acceptance as accepting that what may be happening to an individual is okay. That, however, is false. Radical acceptance is, by definition, practicing a conscious effort to acknowledge and honor difficult situations and emotions. Hence, you acknowledge that the situation you may be in is not ideal, but you do your best to not let that affect you in a negative way, as previously said, by getting beyond your environment. Now, this may not be easy, and I am definitely not insinuating to watch the world crumble around you and just accept it. Instead, it’s about accepting things that you cannot change to alleviate your own suffering. The result of that acceptance can look different for many people based on who they are as a person, their current circumstance, etc. The ability to accept situations that are outside of your control without judging them reduces the suffering they cause. By accepting things for what they are, you can acknowledge your emotions without denying, avoiding, or ignoring the situation. Therefore, you begin allowing yourself to process and manage difficult experiences.
All of the hardships we face are truly keys from the universe, a higher power, source, energy—whatever you believe in—to learn the crux of what life truly is. One of those keys is acceptance. The truth is, we can only learn the radical gifts of acceptance and surrender in the face of unwanted things. After all, with hardship comes ease. Acceptance is such a healing process because we develop true appreciation for the world that we have created, and if not for these difficult moments, we would never learn these things. As humans, we all naturally strive to get the good out of life and idealistically want things to go our way. However, if there were no hardship, we would never grow as individuals. There would be no room for change and no room for the power that is acceptance. It is only through facing the realities we don’t want to accept that we learn what true radical acceptance is. Let’s talk about why we don’t want to face many of these things. Well, the emotions that come up as a result of those difficult times are not pleasant, and sometimes it’s a lot easier to ignore them or fight against them in an attempt to get something to change. All of these things are completely valid and normal. But what if we learned to accept things that don’t meet our expectations or feed our attachments?
I’ll tell you what would happen: we would be more at peace and in flow with life. Experiences, good or bad, strengthen us. I think we learn true acceptance through the things that we are unwilling to tolerate or accept. Through these moments, we are forced to learn true peace and surrender to situations. The power that comes from this is the knowing that nothing that happens to or against you is able to take away your peace. Radical acceptance is when you stop fighting reality, stop responding with impulsive or destructive behaviors when things aren’t going the way you want them to, and let go of bitterness that may be keeping you trapped in a cycle of suffering. Whatever your reasons may be for a lack of acceptance, know that these feelings are normal, and many other people have felt the exact same way. That does not mean that it is impossible for you to feel differently or eventually get to a place of acceptance. It’ll just require practice and dedication. I can’t stress enough how radical acceptance is not saying "OK" to whatever encompasses your environment; it’s relinquishing its control over you, prohibiting it from consuming you so that you may find peace within.
Below are some helpful first steps to practice radical acceptance from an article titled 10 Steps for Practicing Radical Acceptance, which I have also linked below. Remember, radical acceptance doesn’t happen overnight. The process is long and hard, but on the other side of acceptance lies joy, beauty, and happiness that wouldn’t have been known without this powerful practice.
10 Steps for Practicing Radical Acceptance
Steps:
Observe that you are fighting against reality. (Ex: “It shouldn’t be like this.”)
Remind yourself that the unpleasant reality cannot be changed. (Ex: “It happened.”)
Acknowledge that something led to this moment. (Ex: “This is how it happened.”)
Practice acceptance with not only your mind but your body and spirit. Be mindful of your breath, and posture, and use skills like half-smiling and willing hands.
List what your behavior would look like if you did accept the facts then act accordingly.
Plan ahead with events that seem unacceptable and think about how you should appropriately cope.
Remain mindful of physical sensations throughout your body such as tension or stress.
Embrace feelings such as disappointment, sadness, or grief.
Acknowledge that life is worth living even when there might be temporary pain.
If you find yourself resisting, complete a pros and cons exercise to better understand the full impact of your choice.
Be well,
Yelena-Kate Mongbet-Lamare
