Conscious Empathy: How to Balance Caring for Yourself and Others

Written by Lila Mabanta

Empathy is a term we toss around a lot, but is something we can probably all work on implementing more. I mean, half the time we confuse sympathy with empathy! To begin with the basics, empathy is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as “the ability to understand and appreciate another person’s feelings, experience, etc”. Meanwhile, sympathy is “the quality of or state of being affected by the condition of another with a feeling similar or corresponding to that of the other”. So, to rephrase, empathy is understanding without relating, while sympathy is understanding through relating. 

Empathy can be applied on any level and scale. For instance, on an everyday level, my roommate (and best friend, I know she’ll be reading this), has been having an issue with her packages being delivered to our apartment. First, her Sephora package had been stolen, as it wasn’t placed securely in our lobby. So, she was obviously very frustrated, and nervous for her following incoming packages. She asked me to look out for her Target package. Upon my entrance into our building, I saw a Target package leaking blue on the floor. I read her name on the package…of course. Although it wasn’t necessarily the most convenient to me, I brought it up to our apartment, opened it, discovered it was a leaking laundry detergent bottle, wiped up the bottle and the box, and cut up the wet box to discard. I then neatly placed the bottle on a paper towel to await her. A day or two later, when I was alone again, our buzzer rang. I got up to check it out and saw (we’re lucky– our buzzer has a camera) the delivery man with her Sephora package replacement. So, I pressed unlock, but then saw that the delivery guy only placed the package in the unsecured part of the lobby, aka where her first package got stolen! So, being able to predict what could happen next, I quickly threw on my slides and ran downstairs (3 flights) to retrieve her package. In both instances, she was very appreciative. I joked that twice in one week I had saved her packages. Not to toot my own horn, but for the purpose of this message, my efforts were based on empathy. I’ve been luckier in my apartment delivery experience thus far (fingers crossed) and haven’t experienced any issues. But I knew how annoying it was for her, and I didn’t want that to reoccur. So, founded on being empathetic to her experience and feelings, I helped her out of my own accord. In other words, being a good friend requires empathy.

Obviously, empathy can be much bigger than that as well. The world has been increasingly horrific in terms of current events. It’s devastatingly gruesome. Empathy is needed to take away political ideologies and remember that people are just people. War hurts innocent humans on both sides. As largely privileged Americans, empathy is crucial to humanizing the subject, even if we can’t personally relate or truly understand the nuances. 

So, empathy is very important. If you feel you sometimes lack empathy, there are practices to implement that can improve it. Attentively listen to people on what they’re saying–whether in a personal situation or reading an interview–don’t jump to making your own opinions (Clarabut). Think of your own cognitive bias, and try to acknowledge and suppress it. As well, understand and learn your own emotions, so you can understand others healthily without projection (Clarabut). Being empathetic helps connectivity, leadership skills, communication skills, emotional intelligence, and can actually decrease depression and anxiety (Clarabut).

Some people take on empathy, to another basically-scientifically-proven level, known as empaths. An empath is “a person highly attuned to the feelings and emotions of those around them” where they “feel what another person is feeling at a deep emotional level” (Campbell). The concept of being an empath isn’t 100% scientifically proven, however, scientists have discovered “mirror neurons” in the brain, which are believed to “help us mirror the emotions of those we come in contact with” where “some people may have more mirror neurons than others”, aka, the indicator of being an empath (Campbell). If you’re unsure of being an empath yourself, usually the traits include high amounts of caring, intuition, and sensitivity (Campbell). If you want to take a self-diagnosis quiz, which I know we all love way too much, here are two by Dr. Judith Orloff and Tara Meyer-Robson. 

Empaths are generally very helpful people, and great to have in your life. Often empaths are our nurses, physicians, teachers, life coaches, and therapists, who are crucial to society and majorly help educate us on our well-being (Orloff). However, being an empath, or even just feeling an overload of empathy from extremely stressful and upsetting events, isn’t always the healthiest way to live. Overly absorbing others’ emotions is extremely draining; you’re practically exhausted from emotions that didn’t even stem from yourself. Specific environmental cultivators of this exhaustion can be giant crowds, watching the news, or attending funerals (Brady; Campbell). The downfalls of being an empath include higher risks for depression and anxiety as you’re absorbing others’ negative emotions, struggling with sleep (which, if you haven’t read our article on the mega importance of sleep, open this in another tab), potentially being perceived as invasive by others and overall threats to your mental health (Campbell).

So, let’s talk about tips for grounding yourself if this is something you’re prone to, first in terms of preventative actions. You’ve probably heard this a million times, but make sure to take time for yourself. Do what you enjoy; do what feels like self-care to you. Although I don’t consider myself an empath (sorry guys), I’ve recently enjoyed taking time for myself by walking through Central Park during its beautiful, vibrant autumn foliage. This helps relieve my stress, more on the topic of being overwhelmed by all the assignments I need to do. Maybe it’s because I’m an Earth sign, but if you feel the same about nature, get out there! Or, maybe meditation and yoga will help you! Or drawing, painting, singing, writing…whatever it may be, prioritize time to do it! Taking fulfilling time for yourself can act like a little reset button, erasing others’ emotions to recalibrate your own. Second, establish boundaries. I know, this may be hard, but you actually want to build up your walls a little, so that your emotions are less penetrable to get into. Boundaries are important for everyone, and it takes learning and practice to establish and communicate them. If you need help setting up boundaries, check out this medically reviewed article. Third, be careful about who’s in your inner circle. To put it in the best words possible: “Because empaths can soak up the feelings of others, spending too much time around toxic personalities can feel like poisoning yourself from the inside out” (Campbell). This goes hand-in-hand with establishing boundaries. 

Now, let’s say you’re in the moment of absorption. Try to be self-aware about being an empath. Acknowledge that these aren’t really your emotions, but someone else's. It can also “enable you to cultivate different ways to acknowledge emotions that do not belong to you without absorbing them” (Brady). A trick for self-awareness is naming the emotion, which can make it more apparent that it has just been absorbed (Brady). If you watch Alix Earle’s podcast “Hot Mess”, she recently talked about her experience with anxiety. One of her tricks in pulling herself out of a panic attack was simply speaking out loud about what was making her anxious and how she was feeling. Now, I know that’s anxiety, and we’re talking about empathy over here, but I believe this resonates for both. She said when she speaks it out loud, it helps her realize how silly the cause of the anxiety may actually be. That could be applied here, where if you’re absorbing someone else’s sadness even though you were happy right before, it might bring back awareness that you don’t actually have a reason to be sad. Similarly, as well, she noted to focus your attention on something else in the room, like counting the lines on a wooden desk. That can help ground yourself, which can also help ground your emotions when you’re feeling overwhelmed with empathy (Brady). Lastly, if those tips don’t work, you need to release the emotions. Try this visualization method by Keir Brady Counseling Services: “Picture leaves floating down a stream. Picture yourself writing down the feeling you have absorbed onto a leaf. As the leaf flows down the stream and out of sight, the feeling goes with it and you are left with the calmness of the flowing water”.

Overall, empathy is extremely important to have. Empathy builds connection, emotional intelligence, and overall is an attribute of a well-rounded person. However, too much of anything can always become a bad thing. If you fall on either side of the line, try implementing the appropriate tips for you. I truly hope this helps, and that the world itself grows some more empathy.

Be Well,

Lila

Sources:

Brady, Keir. “Being an Empath: 7 Ways to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions.” Keir Brady Counseling Services, 8 Apr. 2020, keirbradycounseling.com/empath-and-absorbing-other-peoples-emotions/#:~:text=Self%2Dawareness%20is%20important%20when,feelings%20to%20be%20without%20judgment. 

Campbell, Leah. “What Does It Mean to Be an Empath?” Verywell Mind, 15 Mar. 2023, www.verywellmind.com/what-is-an-empath-and-how-do-you-know-if-you-are-one-5119883. 

Clarabut, Justine. “What Is Empathy and Why Is It Good for Us?” Wellbeing People, 3 Oct. 2023, www.wellbeingpeople.com/2021/03/16/what-is-empathy-and-why-is-it-good-for-us/#:~:text=Having%20empathy%20enables%20us%20to,good%20for%20our%20mental%20wellbeing. 

“Empathy.” Oxford Reference, www.oxfordreference.com/display/10.1093/oi/authority.20110803095750102. 

Orloff, Judith. “The Best and Worst Careers for Empaths.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empaths-survival-guide/201703/the-best-and-worst-careers-for-empaths. 

“Sympathy.” Oxford Reference, www.oxfordreference.com/search?q=sympathy&searchBtn=Search&isQuickSearch=true.